Ok I received two more mssgs this afternoon from Doms or aspiring Doms at various stages in their relationships. I’m happy to talk to people, but I certainly don’t want to set myself up as an expert. There’s so much I don’t know and my experience has been limited to a handful of women over the years… so take any information I give you with a grain of salt. I do see some common threads among the questions I received and they provoked this post. I guess I should title this post:
A note to Doms: the Women We Love.
If you are truly going to own and dominate a woman, you must understand her. Everyone, of course, is unique, but I’ve seen some of the same things over and over between the submissive women I have known:
- They are motivated by a deep desire to please. When you ask a “vanilla” woman what to do, she will sometimes reply “whatever you want”, which is simply annoying. However, you must understand that phrase for what it is from a submissive. She wants more than anything to please you. Whatever plans or ideas she had on her schedule, if she can make you happy she will be more fulfilled than doing whatever she wanted to do for herself. You must understand that phrase for what it is.
- Now, this can easily become abuse. Every submissive woman I have ever personally known has been through a number of abusive relationships. She gives and men take and take and it becomes abusive. Weak men with self-esteem issues are often drawn to these women, which compounds the problem. It takes enormous strength and experience to take from a woman like this (which is what she needs) without abusing her. Your job is to soak up all her love and affection and attention, help her find ways to please you, while supporting and strengthening her as a person. This takes wisdom, experience, and, I believe, some age. I cannot imagine a 20 year old guy being a successful “dom” in any real sense of the word.
- When you find her, she will likely have things in her past she is not proud of, and you may not be either. That doesn’t matter. You must accept her exactly as she is, with all of her flaws, imperfections and mistakes and you must never hold them against her. If you are worthy of the task, she will be transformed by her relationship with you… practically an alchemical transformation… lead into gold was only a metaphor for transformation you know? It was always about transforming the common and the broken into the sublime. If you can’t accept her, you can’t have her.
- She needs to understand and to come to trust that you are not like the people who have hurt her in her past. She has developed complex coping and self-protective mechanisms. If you would possess her, you must strip them away and this takes time, love and persistence. If you do not do that, then your relationship will be a sham because you don’t have her, you have the face she has prepared to protect herself from the outside world.
- She will naturally subjugate her desires to yours. In my opinion, you have a sacred responsibility to build her up and to strengthen her as a person. Again, you better have the wisdom and experience to do this… if not, find your way together, but be honest with her that you cannot give her what she needs.
- A continuation of the above point: not every submissive is a masochist… often they are, but not always. New and wanna-be Doms need to be told this because if she sees you want to beat her even if she doesn’t want it, she won’t say no. In my opinion, if you find a woman you really care about, you need to do a lot of work understanding what makes her tick, and that does take work. My girl, for instance, literally could not answer the question “what do you want?” when we started talking. Could not answer it. You do not realize how difficult that question can be for a natural submissive, but you need to teach her how to think about it and answer it sometimes.
- Above all… above all other things… be honest with her. In a relationship like this, trust is the one thing that cannot be repaired. If you damage it, you’re done. You also need to be aware that most of these women (in my experience) have an uncanny sixth sense. They are actually or very nearly psychic and will read all of your communications on every level. Don’t lie to them. It’s not worth it and once they catch you in a single lie, you now go into the same pile of “men who hurt her” and you will never truly be trusted again.
- There is no depression or sorrow that can compare to what happens when you hurt or disappoint one of these women. Make sure you understand the responsibility you are assuming when you begin a relationship. On the other hand, they are capable of loving on a level that you probably cannot even begin to comprehend.
- Again let me say this clearly: you have tremendous, profound and sacred responsibility for and to this woman. Don’t fuck around with this lightly.
- This post is not about sex. Done properly, neither is your relationship with her.
One last point… if you are ever fortunate enough to meet a natural submissive who is at a point in her life where she can give herself to you, and if you have within yourself what it takes to master her… well… there is no force in the universe like what you are about to experience. Be forewarned because you cannot possibly be prepared.
Romance is good for us because at its core, it’s about hope. Hope that someone will see us, and accept us, and perhaps—after all that—choose us. Hope that our future holds happiness. And satisfaction. And yes, pleasure. Hope that, when it’s all said and done, we’ve made the world better, not worse. That we’ve lived fully, not in fear. And that we’ve loved thoroughly. With courage. And with gusto.